Fable
by cornwallace
Summary: Chickens and hammers and beards, oh my!
1. Fable

"You know I got this beard from a trader in a funny hat," I say out loud, stroking it proudly between the fingers of my dark plate gloves. "He was in the Darkwood Marsh, wandering around. I wanted to see what he had on him before I ended his miserable life."

"That's nice, Chicken Chaser," she says, idly swirling the wine in her glass. She isn't listen, but I talk anyway.

"He has this card on him with an image depicting this magnificent beard. Called it the tramp beard. Nothin' tramp about it, if you ask me."

"Mhm."

"It's like he just forced the hair out of my face with his mind. I was completely clean shaven! I don't even remember how much he charged me. Didn't even care. Shit was amazing. I decided not to kill him."

"How very noble of you."

"Did I ever tell you about how my whole family was murdered?"

"I don't believe so."

"Well, turns out it was just my dad. I found that out right before I met you. My dad was kind of a chump. He couldn't kill shit. Not like me. Not like my mom."

"Tragic."

"My sister sees things. Ironically, she's blind. That's her 'gift' to the world."

"Sounds amazing."

"She's not. She's a bitch, dude. Always talking down to me. Acting like she knows everything. So what if she does?"

"Honey," she says draining her glass and setting it down on the night stand next to the bed before looking over at me. "Do you ever think about shaving that awful beard?"

"Do you ever extensively fantasize about giving me blowjobs?"

"Ugh. No fucking way."

"There's your answer, Elvira."

"Can we at least work something out about you not wearing full armor with that giant goddamn hammer in your hands in bed?"

"This Obsidian Greathammer and I have been through hard times on the paths. The day I let go of it is the day somebody pries it out of my cold, dead fingers. That, or I find a better weapon. This shit is augmented, dude. Silver and lighting. It's been bathed in its fair share of balverine brains."

"The hat, though. Can we please lose the hat?"

"This pimp hat? No way. I got this shit from the demon door behind my whore house."

Mmmmm. Hedwig. My kind of bitch.

"Why in god's name did I marry you?"

"So I'd keep my mouth shut about you offing your sister. Nailing her to a barrel with an arrow, I like it. Nice, slow death. Not really my style, but I gotta admit, it turns me on, Elvira. You wanna fuck?"

"Please. You don't even get me gifts anymore."

"That reminds me," I say, handing her a fake wedding ring. "I found this in the cemetery. Stole it off of corpse. That's for you, baby."

"Oh. Uh. How lovely."

She looks like she's about to throw up. I love it when I put that look on her face. I might have to take a trip to the Darkwood bordello later.

* * *

"You ever have one of those days where the flies seem to be following you around?"

"Is that like a metaphor?"

"No, I mean literally. You see this shit? They're swarmin'."

"Yeah, uh. I wasn't gonna say anything about that. The way you said that threw me off, though."

"They're attracted to evil manstink. I mean, my hair. It's fallen out. I'm bald now. BALD. Just because I killed some chumps what looked at me crossways."

"Looked at you crossways?"

"Yeah, I got issues with that. This one time, when I was twelve, I punched a little girl and stole her teddy bear. I didn't even want the stupid teddy bear, but I still have it to this day. I didn't like the way she gander'd, you see."

"Uh-huh. You, uh. You gonna take care of this balverine situation or what?"

"Yeah, I'm getting to that. You know my mama was really into killing balverines. They called her The Balverine Basher, or some stupid shit like that. I always thought that was a gay name."

"The, uh. White Balverine is right over there, sir. It's killing people. Murdering them. Could we continue this conversation after you take care of that?"

"Hold on now, I'm getting to that. This'll only take a second. Damn, you sound like one of the girls at the bordello I own. 'Please don't make me have sex with you, Chicken Chaser. Please don't talk about murder in bed, Chicken Chaser. It's cold, Chicken Chaser, can I wear a sweater?' It's really off-putting and I don't like it."

"You own the bordello in Darkwood?"

"Yeah. Shit yeah. Stole it off a chump. Where the fuck do you think I got this bitchin' hat? Got the old owner drunk and dressed like a lady. He was all for it. After the sex, he passed out and started mumbling in his sleep about where he hid the deed. Fucking idiot. Wasn't bad, though. I'd give him a seven out of ten. Nothing truly special, but not bad. I'd dress like a lady and bang him again if there was money involved."

"There is nothing about what you just said that wasn't the most disgusting thing I've ever heard."

"I get that a lot. You know why my pappy called me Chicken Chaser?"

"Okay. The white balverine is tearing the mayor in half with his claws now. Are you gonna stop this?"

"In a goddamn minute, man! He called me Chicken Chaser because when I was a little one I would chase chickens. You wanna know why I'd chase them chickens?"

"Not particularly."

"I'd kick them! I'd kick them hard when I caught up. I liked killing small things when I was small. Now that I'm bigger, I like to kill bigger things. Like that white balverine over there. That's gonna be fun to kill."

"Oh thank god."

"I just found this big fucking hammer over there. It's a greathammer. Made of obsidian. The blackest weapon in the galaxy. You got any shiny stones I can jam in this fucker to make it whoop ass?"

"Like an augmentation?"

"That's the spice I'm after."

"If I give you this will you kill the damn thing already?"

* * *

"YOU CAN'T RUN FROM ME, MAZE," I scream out between maniacal fits of laughter. I really hope he hears me. It's part of the thing I'm doing.

Swing the hammer hard into the door, it shatters into a million splinters and I race to the staircase and I can hear him, I can hear him shrieking.

He knows what's coming for him.

I've wanted this since we first met. It was his face. It was the way he looked at me...

* * *

The hammer connects with Whisper's face and I'm laughing, I'm laughing so hard because she seriously didn't see this coming.

What a chump!

"Is that how it i-"

Swinging the massive weapon again I catch the bitch on the upswing, breaking her jaw into many tiny little pieces.

No one wins. No more heroes. Only me.

I'll kill you, I'll kill your brother, I'll kill my dumb sister and that chump Jack of Blades. Destroy the hero bloodlines and knock up some hooker and I'll live forever, live forever on the blood of the heroes.

My dick is hard and people are screaming and Whisper's head doesn't exist anymore. I find Thunder in the crowd and look him in the eye.

* * *

"I could break you. So leave it."

* * *

"You're a disappointment. You call yourself a hero?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I thought you were the greatest hero ever, mom. Do you have any idea how badly you suck right now?"

"I've gotten old, Chicken Chaser. I've gotten old and I've been imprisoned for many years."

"If you were worth a damn you wouldn't have been imprisoned in the first place. Or married a chump. And you especially wouldn't have gotten me imprisoned for four years. You suck so hard that you make me suck."

"I don't think that's a fair assessment. Other than your father being a chump, that was my bad. He's the only one who died in Oakvale."

"Well, I do. They took my BEARD, ma! My BEARD!"

"That ugly thing wasn't doing you any favors, sweetie. I mean, there's a reason you only have sex with prostitutes."

"I'm happily married, ma! I'm the mayor of Bowerstone."

"And you still only have sex with prostitutes. You told me about it several times while I was being attacked by a fucking tentacle monster."

"That was pretty sick, though. It's not every day you see live action hentai."

"What's hentai?"

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"I'm glad you're dead."

She sighs. "Me, too."

"Who the fuck are you talking to?" Elvira asks, turning over restlessly in her sleep.

"Nobody, sweetie," I say, stroking my hammer lovingly. "Go back to sleep."

* * *

Later, when I'm forcing the sword of aeons through the face of my worthless, blind sister(she didn't even see it coming huhuhuhuhuh), I feel the power of the gods coursing through my veins and I've got a boner a mile long.

You want the world? Come and take it from me. B-|


	2. Fable: The Lost Chapters

"Look, hero! I'm having sex with your wife! Hero! Look upon me sticking your penis in your wife!"

"Yeah, uh, you see there, buddy. I'm actually fucking this chicken, Jack. You're just holding it." 

* * *

**Fable: The Lost Chapters.**

* * *

I'm standing in Hook's coast, at the end of the dock, stroking my magnificent beard. I lost you once, my precious, and I'm never going to lose you again.

Briar Rose is saying something I'm not listening to. I don't like her much. She's not as competitive as Whisper was, but she's just as annoying. A ship sails for me in the distance, approaching ever closer.

"Did I ever tell you about this beard, Briar Rose?"

"Chicken Chaser. Are. You. Listening?"

"I got this beard off a trader in Darkwood. He was a chump, but I let him live. Made the beard grow out of my face in an instant, like magic. Like he pulled it out with sheer manliness, or something. It was fucking amazing."

"Now is not the time. Look, what I'm trying to tell you is very important.

"I lost the beard once, Rose. It was hard times on the paths for me. It was like losing a child. You look kinda saggy. You got kids? Any of them ever die?"

"What?! No!"

"Well, you don't know what I'm talking about. It's like losing a child, it really is. Horrible. Unimaginable, really."

"I don't think you can compare losing your beard to the loss of somebody's child."

"Um, well, little miss stupid, I think I can. My beard is important to me. It's A PART of meee. You wouldn't understand. You've never had kids of your own."

"This is ludicrous. I'm trying to-"

"My lousy hero of a mother. Scarlet Robe. More like. Uh. Scarlet Buttplug. Huh. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh."

"You're disgusting."

"So was my mom. I saw her get tentacle raped to death, right before my very eyes. I still hear her motherly voice sometimes. I still hear her bitching. In my HEAD, Briar Rose. In my HEAD."

"Fitting."

"Anyway, she sent me to prison. Why? Well, fuck, why not. She's fucked everything else up in life, might as well fuck her kids up, too. I get busted, breaking her ass out of jail and I end up having to listen to shitty poetry while shoving a key up my ass. WITHOUT A BEARD. You don't know my pain, woman."

"Do you ever even wash that grody thing?"

"I don't wash anything, Briar Rose. And I'm not even the only kid she fucked up. I watched my sister's eyes get pried out with a rusty knife."

"That's horrible!"

"Actually, I think about it when I jerk off sometimes. I was hiding in the bushes. Mom went soft. I figured she was murdered, too. She wasn't murdered. Neither of them were murdered. Just my dad, who was a chump. Did I tell you my dad was a chump?"

"You are the most disgusting thing on the planet, you know that?"

"Yeah."

"You fucking stink like a sack full of rotten vagina stuffed with fish corpses. You're an unlikeable scumbag who tells the same fucking stories over and over again. You haven't a single moral in your disgusting, fat body. What the fuck is up with that hat?"

"I got it from a demon door behind my bordello."

"You own a bordello. Of course you own a fucking bordello. That's fucking gross, dude. Seriously. Fucking gross."

"I'd give you a three."

"Three what?"

"Out of ten. I mean, I'd still have sex with you. I'd have sex with a one. But you're definitely a three."

"There is nothing about you that even has the smallest potential imaginable of making that happen. You know that, right?"

Shrug. "No big loss. I own a bordello. Honestly, I'd really be doing you a favor."

"Doing me a f- WHAT?!"

"Oh, hey, the boat's here."

"Get on the boat."

"Make me."

"Ugh. Fuck this, I'm leaving," she says, turning away and storming off towards the cullis gate.

I look at her and look at the boat and look at her again.

"Hey, uh. Who am I supposed to kill again?"

She doesn't answer. I look at the boat. 

* * *

Go into Berserk mode and slow time and cast multihit and swipe at the twelve-o-clock Briar Rose, spilling her soul orbs onto the cold cement beneath me. Let's go counter clockwise. Eleven-o-clock, down.

Jack's talking in my head again, he's always talking now, always telling me to kill. Making me not want to do it. He's killing it for me. He's killing my kill boners.

Grunt and try to get into it as I take out three-o-clock. Two, motherfucker.

One. Die.

I scream loudly as I lose Berserk mode and she slaps me in the face. I grunt and flex and nothing comes out. Chug another health potion. Jack's saying things. Goddamnit, stay up, Chicken Chaser. Stay erect just long enough to- 

* * *

"Briar Rose said you'd come."

"Did she? We had a conversation about that earlier and she acted like she wasn't into it."

"Cut the shit, Chicken Chaser. I don't like you. You killed my sister. You slaughtered her like a dog in front of me and hundreds of people. Now, we need you to rid the world of Jack of Blades, but that doesn't excuse you from killing my sister and stealing my wife. You'll pay for that, scum. But for now, you can find the soul you need in the arena. 'Steal it off a chump' as you're one to do."

"Oh, I will," I say, drawing my sword. "I'll steal it off a chump. I'll steal it off a dead chump."

"Uh, okay," Thunder says, backing away warily. "Go on, then.."

"You know I was bunkmates with Whisper back in the old heroes guild days?"

"Get on with it!" he exclaims, pointing to the exit of Knothole Glade, towards the arena. "You're wasting valuable time."

I take baby steps towards him. "I used to play this prank on her, pretty regular. She was a heavy sleeper, see? So, when she was sleepin', I'd see how much of my limp penis I could stuff into her nose with my pinky."

"What the fuck is wrong with you, man?!"

"This one time, I managed to cram my whole head in. It was cold that night, you see. I took my time and managed to get a lot in. But she woke up, right? She woke up and she had never woke up before. She woke up and she screamed, she startled me, you see. I had been at it for hours, carefully maneuvering my way in. I had to pee within the first ten minutes of starting. And she startled me, right?"

"You motherfucker," he says, drawing his sword and shield. "I'm going to fucking kill you. Right now."

"I pissed in her sinuses, Thunder. She vomited all over my naked body and I got hard, Thunder, I got hard. I still jerk off to the memory to this day. It was the best day of my li-" 

* * *

I'm picking pieces of Thunder's skull out of the sword of aeons when I remember that I actually need his soul to make things work. So I take out the mask and shake it in Thunder's dead general direction and suck his soul from his corpse through the eyes of my Jack's mask.

I lied about the prank I used to play on his sister. I wish I was that clever when I was that young. No regrets, though.

Nnnnngh.

I almost get a full stock. Almost. But Jack starts talking to me. Encouraging me. Telling me Briar Rose is next. 

* * *

I'm in the graveyard jackin' stones off stiffs. 

* * *

"So you've got the souls?"

"Yeah."

"Excellent," Scythe says. He doesn't have any lips. It looks hilarious when he talks, but he somehow manages to pronounce everything perfectly. He also looks like a mummified burn victim. I'd give him an eight out of ten. If there was money involved, I would probably have sex with him. "You got the dead souls, right? The arena guy, your mom and Nostro?"

"Nah, I took out Thunder first. Then I took out Briar Bush. Then I nailed the guild master. You shoulda seen it, dude, he even saw it coming and I broke his ass in so hard it was golden brown all over the place."

"What?! That was entirely unnecessary."

"Depends on your definition of unnecessary, Scythe. You lookin' for a date?" 

* * *

The dragon breathes fire on me.  
The dragon is Jack.  
The dragon kills me a couple of times, but I have resurrection phials and I use my powers and I kill that chump, I kill him dead with his own sword and I tell him to get good, that he's a casual villain and I ask him well, what is it while he cries himself to deaf. 

* * *

"I'm going to give you a chance," the guild master says, "to save us. TO SAVE ALL OF US. You don't understand. The guild will die. I WILL DIE. I don't wanna die, Chicken Chaser. Please. Just let me warp you to the Lychfield Graveyard."

"I can warp myself," I say gently. And I shake my head. "But I won't."

The terror builds like legos in his eyes. "Please don't kill me, I'll give you anything you wa-" 

* * *

"Throw the mask away!"

"How do you talk that well with no lips?"

"Chicken Chaser!"

"Are you in pain a lot? Because it looks like you're in pain a lot."

"Throw the goddamn mask away!"

"Make me!"

"Don't throw me away," Jack's mask says.

"I can make you powerful," Jack's mask says.

"I'm already powerful," I say. "Make me. Uh. Not. Throw you away. Parenthetical. You, cornwallace, make that parenthetical. And leave that part out. Oh, fuck you, too."

"I can make you hard again."

"Hard again?!" I ask, excitedly. 

* * *

"And that's when Jack gave life to my penis and this mask is stuck to my face forever and so is his voice to the inside of my headbrain. You know what that's like?"

"I really wish you wouldn't talk during sex, Chicken Chaser."

"Oh, don't worry. I'm still hard," I say.

"You're a rat bastard, Chicken Chaser. You're a dirty, dirty, stinky, scumbag rat bastard."


End file.
